Cell By Stephen King

| Monday, July 30, 2007

What are the three things you would never leave home without? Your keys, your ID, and most definitely your cell phone. King notes this common question in his 2006 novel “Cell” and makes you wish you would leave it home – when it truly mattered. Luckily for Clayton Riddell, the starving Bostonian artist could not afford one becomes our antagonistic lead character is this story of cellular chaos.

King begins with Riddell reminiscing of the past while gazing at the park goers who are with their significant others and their children. Catching a big break and landing a job at a will known comic book Company, he has strong hopes in reconciling with his estranged wife and son. To celebrate, he felt that he’d treat himself and wait on a rather short but slow line at a Boston Common ice cream truck and this is when the madness begins.

Somewhere, someone releases a pulsating signal that turns anyone who uses a cell phone into a stark raving maniac and Riddell is the dead center of an uprising. Cars are crashing, “the phoners” are hacking whoever’s closest to them to death, biting, spitting, super-human strength….sounds familiar? If so, then you know that the rest of this novel is a violent zombie thriller, which the main characters soul objective is to get to his family if they didn’t become part of the “phoner” madness.

King’s attempt at writing a zombie story was I felt at little weak. I was left at the end with nothing, feeling as though if there was a continuation it wouldn’t make any sense at all. My sense of style in this fashion of the macabre would have been greatly satisfied if all and not some of the secondary characters died. That’s right, I said it. It held the premise of all zombie-like situations; such as ‘how did this happen?’ and ‘how can they be stopped?’ But King created a loop hole, throwing out all the redundancies and giving them telekinetic powers. Wow, good one. Like we’ve never seen that before (Carrie, Dreamcatcher, the list goes on). I, as a writer, know that you have to have some kind of niche, he definitely has that but mixing it up doesn't hurt either.

Immediately the story turns for the obvious, as strong willed as Riddell is, he sets off to find the people whom he cared for the most, parting from his friends and a few drifters. All in all, I felt this book could have been better. The dialogue was weak; the characters had no character, the zombies; though terrifying became tame too quickly, and the Altoids plug was made in extremely bad comedic taste. My recommendation is to wait for the movie, but lets just hope Eli Roth doesn’t muck it up anymore than it already is.

The Night That I Didn't Want To End

| Sunday, July 29, 2007

Hey there! It’s Carrot here telling you about the best night ever that I had last night….MY BIRTHDAY!! So as not to turn this blog into a live journal I will slyly give reviews of all the places I stopped at during my night of debauchery! (P.S. – no movies involved)

For hours, I nervously awaited the arrivals of my boyfriend and friends, hoping all of them would show. And they all did! The night was planned flawlessly, or so I had thought. Our first stop was at “Moon House Restaurant” on 67 Bayard Street (between Elizabeth St & Mott St) in Chinatown. Though not difficult to find, sifting though the hoards of tourists that rape Canal St., walking though the cross streets never fail when you want to point A to B without “MovieDVD” whispered in your ear 10 times fast. Once we reached the restaurant, to my surprise (well not really) it was very small and I was glad that there were proper accommodations for me and my 9 homies. The food was delicious and very affordable with more than generous portions for us all to pick off of from each other. And there we regaled about school, the professors and the other assholes that we’re so glad we will never see or hear from again. And also this was a grand time for me to open up gifts and cards. From my jolly Irish giant buddy OB, I received:

(Lied about the whole ‘no movies involved’ HA! And I will review this one very soon)

After the bill it was on to bars and drinking myself stupid at an affordable price. Trekking around the meat packing district of Manhattan, my plan to go to “The Village Idiot” was horribly spoiled when coming under the realization that it was closed down….years ago. But alas, I had a back up bar called “Mother” that was just a block away. Again I was bitch slapped by the pathetic means of an outdated algorithmic system that have workers that I assume are paraplegic, deaf, blind, and dumb. Feeling so hurt and embarrassed I constantly apologized to my crew and knew a great place called “Corner Bistro” on 331 W 4th St., and the great thing about the village are the streets because we went from W14th to W4th is two blocks flat! In the distance, I shuttered in fear when I saw from the small window that the bar was full, $2.50 beer wasn’t on my menu for tonight I guess. Another suggestion I insisted was “The Cubby Hole”, a lesbian bar, located around the corner. The chances of all of us getting in may have been slim since 90% of us were guys. But an enlightened eaves dropper suggested a place with “cheap” beer called “The White Horse Tavern”. Where this is, I do not know or care for two reasons: the guy at the door was an asshole and the beer was not cheap at all. Our party, with our heads low preceded an exodus from the Asshole Tavern.

But what’s this? A bar across the street….empty?? Yes it was, very empty. We all sat down, quietly at first, feeling awkward about just how much this is going to run us up. Moments passed and the bar turned out to be the gift I was truly waiting for. At “WXOU Radio Bar” on 558 Hudson St. (between Perry St. and W11th Ave.), our barkeep Duncan was hospitable and entertaining while serving us shots, birthday shots and more shots. Though the prices weren’t all that much different from “The White Horse Tavern”, the aura around the place was a thousand times better. I was one satisfied customer.

Barely walking strait we proceeded to find the mysterious bowling alley that I had just that day found out about. Thankfully Duncan had gone there and it did exist. Since I was the only one with the address and the only one who knew their way around Manhattan, I did not want to fail like an ass and get all my friends lost in the city like some bad Warriors remake. Along the way there were laughs, adult swings, and a plant that burned like battery acid. After grabbing a quick bite, the bowling alley jumped out at us and I was ecstatic. Unfortunately the first time around we couldn’t get in because not just one of us but a few of us were too inebriated to enter. Scratching my head, I couldn’t think of anything else to do! Once that happened half of my group decided it was time to depart, we said our good nights and thanked them for the amazing night. Ten seconds later, I scream “LETS GO BOWLING!”, and we started back on the busy streets of the Manhattan night to “Bowlmor Lanes” at 110 University Place (between W12th & W13th). Riding up in the man-operated elevator, we knew that this place was going to be good. So good that we had to wait 30 to 45 minutes for a lane to be free. To pass our time we told some jokes, watched some ESPN and ate abandoned pizza and buffalo wings from a near table (the buffalo wings were awesome, I’m giving a thumbs up on that one). Once our number was up we got to bowling. Blondie was on our sides, letting us hit a nine out of ten an odd number of times in a row. Once our second game was up, it was time to pay and go home. Still tipsy at this time, waiting for the subway trains in NYC is worse that waiting for test results for a cancer screening at the bottom of a volcano. Once they did come, we said our goodbyes, and I again thanked them for the great night.

And now here I am, at my desk typing this not even hung over. Sore from doing god knows what (not that!), congested (?), and one year older! So thank you all again who celebrated with me and can’t wait to celebrate some more!

Recap of locations:

Moon House Restaurant

67 Bayard Street

(between Elizabeth St & Mott St)

Corner Bistro

331 W 4th St;

(between Jane St. & 8th Ave.)

WXOU Radio Bar

558 Hudson St.

(between Perry St. and W11th Ave.)

Bowlmor Lanes

110 University Place

(between W12th & W13th)

Movie review of "Are You Scared"?.....Hell No

| Wednesday, July 25, 2007

"Two years I've been searching. Two years I've been waiting. Two years I've been planning."

Really? Should have thought of something better than this pile of horse shit.

"Are You Scared?" is the story of 6 strangers trapped in an abandoned warehouse by an unknown captor, but their reason there is quickly explained by the fact that some previous months ago, they all entered into a reality show with the same title. First of all this is hardly the proper title for this movie. A better one would have been "This not a total rip of 'Saw' series, the ending is 10 times more different". If only I were lying.

It begins with a girl chained and handcuffed walking through a dark corridor, talking to someone unseen who has a deep and raspy voice. He tells her that if she doesn't finish a game in 60 seconds, she dies. At that very moment, I totally knew what I was in for. One guy who tries to be the hero, an alpha-female, the cry baby, the stereotypical black guy, and the Olsen twins. Every single death scene echoed a death scene out of “Saw”. Though there is no crime making a movie like this, there should be a crime with dragging an original like "Saw" through the mud, dipping it in tar, wrapping it in barbed wire and then tossing it into the deep sea.

This movie wasn't attention grabbing in any aspect, I became constantly distracted and uninterested in what I was seeing. Hell even hearing it was torture. The constant screaming, crying and yelling almost forced me to turn it off, but if I did this would have never been written. Typically the story of a psychopathic wife beater who was set aflame in bed by his battered wife was done already, it was called “The Burning Bed” and no one else was involved or killed. Leave it to life time to tell this kind of story! So consider yourself lucky that I warned you before you rent this at blockbuster because "Are You Scared?" doesn't do it anything but waste your time.

Hello :-)


Hello, just to start things off I would like to tell you a few things I'll be doing here. I won't be writing 100% movie reviews. I also love to talk about TV shows and the like from time to time. I have the tendency not only to rip movies a new one, but to also give away certain things. It's not generally my style but I will give a spoiler warning before you read them. I really hope you enjoy and I'm open for any comments of questions.

I'm here to give you the heads up before you waste 2 hours of your life. I'll do that for you.